10-31-2012

Its funny how a single experience can affect you and the way you feel entirely. I sit her at eleven forty seven on October thirty first twenty twelve and I just had one of those moments.  First let me start at the beginning lately I've been feeling out of place, lost, and without a true purpose. Its something I've been struggling with for awhile now but those feelings aren't really why I'm writing right now.  Instead while I was sitting thinking about myself and my fears and my general direction in life something just switched on. I realized that I am not the only one. I'm sure there are countless others who feel, or have felt similar, almost disillusioned with where they are. People from all walks of life, all dealing with their own problems, all living their own lives. That realization made me feel so sad for a moment. That there are so many dealing with finding who they are trying to find happiness its kinda tragic, but out of that small moment of sadness I realized that knowing you are not the only one helps. So my heart goes out to anyone who has ever lost something. Anyone who has felt like they don't belong. Anyone who has ever felt lonely, scared, confused, lost, or hopeless. My heart goes out to everyone. I wish all of you could read this so you too know your not alone, and maybe that's where you're at right now or maybe you know someone who is if you do please pass it on. It isn't much but maybe someone else out there can get something positive out of me writing this. May all of us find what we are looking for. May all of us find happiness, may we find our path and the courage to follow it wherever it leads us.

so hey at least I picked a proper name!

Yeah so ive noticed that ive picked a pretty much accurate name for my blog in the sense that very few people actually read what is said here..which is fine with me, I use my blog more for a way to express my thoughts than to reach people. Besides if people did read this they might think im crazy, much like a similar experience I had earlier this week when trying to describe how I sometimes think about how strange it is that we are all humans and what that really means...now of course I understand that most people wont get that, and it probably doesn't help that im terrible at explaining exactly what i mean. Not to mention when put on the spot I usually end up sounding either bat shit insane or stoned out of my mind. I guess what im getting at is im glad I have this blog and who knows maybe someday in the future people will read it, either way im leaving something behind, Im creating something that should be around for the inevitable future...and thats where im at now, I should probably get some sleep since its 4 a.m. but I definitely plan on coming back here tomorrow and discussing in length some other ideas Ive been rolling around in my head for the past few days...good night(or should i say morning) interwebs

2 am rambling

So its like 2 am so naturally im deep in thought once more. Ive been thinking about whether or not i believe in fate or that we as humans are in control of our destines. Some people think that everything that comes our way is predetermined that all events happen because that is what is meant to happen, However tend to think that everything that happens in our day to day lives, every choice we make and every event that takes place could never be just fate. There are to many possible outcomes and too many paths that we can take. Which leads to a whole different thought and thats what makes us choose what path we take? Is it fear? Is it aspiration or is it different for everyone. I think that its not so much choosing a path as it is wandering through a jungle, getting beat up until by pure accidentalness you stumble upon a small semblance of a trail that you follow until it too becomes covered in vines. I guess what im saying is that we all go through hard things and we all learn from our experiences, or at least some of us do. However I think that saying that you've finally found your path is a falsehood. Life is too grand for just one road and eventually you will probably have to leave that path but thats ok because thats what makes us human. The constant drive of moving forward in an attempt to not only learn but grow. not only about ourself but about the world we live in. Anyways I probably sound crazy and feel free to tell me what you think. Its awfully late and i really should be sleeping haha.

Just Thinking..

So tonight has been one of those nights where I seem to be lost in thought..to be honest ive been that way for the last week or so..not that its bad to be lost in thought its just kinda counter productive to my artistic side..I have a hard time focusing on being creative when the analytical side of my brain wont shut up..What have I been thinking about? Well to be honest any number of topics ranging the mundane to the simply weird..take for example how I was earlier thinking about how strange it is that we read left to right..why is that? is it more effiecent thatn right to left or why dont we read vertically? Now normally I welcome these types of thoughts since they are like small breezes that seem to only last as quickly as they came. The other trickier ones are when I reflect inwards. Thinking about oneself and your place in the world is something that Im sure everyone has done at least once in their life and its one of those things that can really define who you are as a person or who you arent, I guess it just depends on your perspective. Anyways Im at a Strange place right now, and granted most of it is probably due to the fact that in nine short days I am going to be a quarter of a century old. Now I know thats still young by alot of people standards and I would tend to agree with them. Its not the age that bothers me, no its the general lack of accomplishment that seems to weigh heaviest on me. Im gonna be perfectly honest with anyone who might be reading this ( which isnt many my blogs named what it is for a reason haha) that it is mostly my own fault. I guess I havent always been the hardest worker in life, I tend to take things easy because thats where im comfortable its what ive been doing since i was a kid being the class clown was always easier than being the nerd. It was all about making people laugh before they laughed at me. Looking back though that wasnt probably the way to go. I guess my whole point of this thought process is that Im looking at being twenty five with no real job and I dont really know where or what im gonna do, and to be honest thats really scary. I mean Its the one aspect in my life right now that I would change everything else is perfect, I have a wonderful girlfriend who means the world to me, who inspires me and makes me wanna be a better person. I cannot put into words how much she means to me and how all I want is to see her beautiful smile and to just be with her. I also have a great group of friends, people who dont judge me for who I am, and they truly love me. Some of them I dont get to see as often as id like but thats ok. Having good friends means alot to someone like me. I never grew up with that. Thinking about all of them makes me realize how I wanna make them proud of me. Maybe im crazy, I know I have issues probably to many to list here in this blog post but the more I think about the more I want to inspire people. This whole post was never meant to be negative its really more a vehicle for myself to get alot of what im thinking out and to be truly honest with myself. There is only one thing I ask anyone who might read this, just take a moment and think about your life, think about what youve done, who you are, who you want to be and be honest with yourself. I also wanted to say thank you to everyone who has ever inspired me. Its amazing how one small thing can have an affect on you. There are too many people to list but heres to the good memories of our past and hers also to making new ones. Like I said Ive been thinking alot and just writing this has seemed to help. I still am unsure about what I am going to do or what path to take but im ok with that. As long as I have those that are important to I can figure it out..the way I see it maybe everything is just a matter of timing. Anyways thats probably enough of my ramblings for now hopefully the journey into my mind didnt give you any mental scars or anything...

love peace and chicken grease

- chris

adios 2010

Ellen Goodman once said "We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives... not looking for flaws, but for potential." and with the coming new year thats exactly what i plan to do! I cant believe that 2010 is already almost over it doesnt feel like its been a year. This year has been definetly a been quite the trip. Ive been through alot this year probably more than usual and to be honest..I am honestly excited for the future which is something I cant say ive been for quite awhile. The year started out pretty good, then in spring hit a really rough patch, but looking back im glad it all happened. There were some nights where I didnt know what was going to happen and days where I was so unsure of myself and who I was. I hate to say it but it was probably some of the darkest times in my life..However I was lucky I have great friends people whos love kept me around and kept me going. As the year continued I was fortunate enough to meet new friends some of the greatest freinds I could ever ask for the kind that are always there even when your having a breakdown a 2am because you dont know where your life is going. Through all the ups and downs they have been there for me giving me support and love and just being there for me and im thankful for them! Summer was a good one this year I found myself starting to get things back in order finding myself in long walks in the park and rediscovering my love of painting and writing, and spending time with friends both old and new made for a memorable summer. Fall came extraodinarly quick it seems this year. I started working at a call center and had the experience of seeing what that was like and unfortunately realizing that it wasnt for me!I also met and started hanging out with this wonderful girl named emily youve probably heard me talk about her before. Shes pretty amazing if I do say so myself! Anyways as fall turned to winter I found myself in a place i never would have thought id be in again and thats madly in love. I also found myself loving my art and embracing it more looking forward to actually trying to make a career out of it. All in all Id say its been an ok year while the first half was rough and there were lots of tears shared with lots of friends lots of late night talks but Ive grown this year and thats what im so happy about! Im excited for the future and what 2011 will bring! I wanna say thank you to all my friends and family and of course to my wonderful girlfriend, all of you are what makes me who I am. I love you all and I hope you all have a great new years!

love peace and chicken grease!

chris

Song

The rain slowly falls as the cold air signals the begining of the winter that is soon to come. In the solitude of my room surrounded by the cold and darkness an old beatles song begins to play. As the song continues it reminds of so many things..of a rainy day spent with someone special..a beautiful smile a warm hand to hold and laughter that warms my heart. The song reaches the bridge each note significant and yet only a piece of a bigger composition as the melody rings out each passing moment brings so many emotions to my mind. I cant remember the last time ive known with such certainty that I am happy. As the music begins to reach an end a small sense of sadness seems to creep in, only because the song much like the day seems to end to quickly. Its over before you know it and your left in silence once more. Even in the silence I find something wonderful and thats hope..hope that one day I will be able to have that music forever, that someday that rainy day might turn into a lifetime...its a fools dream but thats what I do..I dream of tomorrow and live for today as I listen to the next song.

Its alive its alive!!

Like a zombie from the grave my blog shall claw its way through the muddy earth of complete abandonment and shamble its way hopefully into the lovely pink matter of all 2 or 3 of my readers..Anyways back to the real world after a pretty long time im coming back to focus on my writing alot of stuff has happened and Ive been through alot since that time, including meeting someone that is responsible for the reanimation if you will of this corpse of a blog..shes an amazing person someone that I feel lucky to have met. Shes someone that sees this world in a similar fashion as myself and after reading her blog it got me thinking about my own..anyways im back don't know for how long but its good to be back that casket smelled funny... kinda fitting i came back in October lets me get away with the whole zombie theme which i so love!! haha anyways stick around read a bit and enjoy that's what this is all about right?