shards of glass...

People are alot like small shards of glass. The deeper you let them in the more pain they cause you. They bury themselves deep and as soon as you try to remove them it cause more pain, more scars . Thats why we build up our walls we guard against emotional contact. However there are times when someone gets past those defenses they see who you really are they see you at your worst, they see the side you hide from everyone else. Thats the hard thing when someone gets past all that you trust them, you begin to think that they would never hurt you. Its when this happens that the true pain occurs, because what do you do when someone you care about with everything that you are, hurts you? There is nothing to do except take the pain and use it as a reminder. A reminder that strengthens who we are and makes those defenses even more present.

the evolution of me

I guess what makes us human is
that we all feel, we all make mistakes, and we all
have to keep going despite what gets in our way.

Nothing has been the same and to be honest im
scared. Afraid that I will always feel this way.
That I will always be so unsure of myself that,
I might not be able to have a normal relationship
with someone else anytime soon. I guess that's
what happens when you love someone, and it ends.

You tend to not look at what you should see.
all the things about them that made you smile
seem like a distant memory...slowly fading
like an old photograph. I don't know much about
the world or even the purpose of life. But I
know what its like to feel that pain.

That tightness and pain in your throat that
you feel as you lay awake at night crying because
you don't know who you are anymore. Then there's
the pit in your stomach every time you think of
their face or hear a song that reminds you of them.
Eventually the sharp pain evolves turned into a
dull ever-present pain one that you carry
with you and dont know why.

Eventually you get to the pain of acceptance. You
come to realize that things are never going back to
the way they were. Theres that hopelessness and the
feeling that there is nothing you can do and in the
end your feelings are right.

All you can do is take whats left of who you are.
Put yourself back together and hope.
Hope that someday you find someone that can love
you as much as you loved that person.

Thats what keeps me going..Some may call me a fool
and that true love does not exist, and maybe they
are right. But I guess im a fool because i still
believe in love. I still believe in happiness and I
still believe in the strength that I hold within
myself.

I will stand in the sun again and I will be happy, I shall find
my happiness in the small things in life. I will love the friends
I have and live my passions in life, it is my goal .
It is the evolution of me.

so yeah...

Its been two weeks now.... It seems like its all been in slow motion that things just slowly slipped through my fingers before I was able to grasp them again. Its been a hard two weeks, probably some of the hardest weeks in my life. However with all the pain and confusion and anger, ive realized two things..

1. I have a great group of people who care about me, Im lucky. I have tyler and cali who are always there for me no matter what, They are family to me. Yannick is the one guy that might be cooler than me I say might but in reality he probably is. Adam and riley are my smart ass friends give me alot of crap but I wouldnt have it any other way besides I give them crap too! I also have friends who i have never met before in person. Kiri, is always there giving me a hard time but when it comes down to it she always listens shes like a big sister to me! Justin is one of the most amazing people I have ever got the chance to meet, hes younger than me but he has a wisdom that blows me away, hes my broham and hed walk through hell with me if he had too. Then theres jenna, at first I didnt know her that well I just knew her as justins girlfriend but shes an awesome listener and has been through alot of things, shes knows what im feeling and is also really great at giving me advice. Sadi is my metal mentor and when it comes to being kick ass she knows how to do it! Angela is the one that always tells me like it is she calls me on my bulshit which is pretty helpful! There are others too of course but Id be writing all night. Basically I wanna say thanks to anyone who has just been there for me through this and who I know will still be there whatever comes.

2. That as shitty as things are they could be worse. Im tired of letting my emotions control my life so from now on that's a no go..I'm just gonna live and try to be content with what I have and who I am. Its that simple, sure there will still be pain there and there will still be days where I will fall apart, but im not gonna let it break me.

What Im getting at is that I realized that I was spending to much time and energy just focusing on negative shit. So here is to tomorrow and whatever it brings. Heres to robots unicorns ninjas and pirates may they all fight each other in a battle royal where we all can watch and partake in the greatness!

Street Lamp

So this is an older piece I think I wrote it around christmas or new years but lately ive gone back to it. It holds things that are still true, my weaknesses and insecurities all that stuff.

The wet pavement reflects the light of a street lamp overhead...shining like a beacon on the darkest street in the darkest city. The light seems to dim as the darkness swirls around the edges of the lights beam..The darkness a disease a cancer fluid alive and yet devoid of living all in one. The darkness is whats inside me. It is every one of my weaknesses, every on of my fears, every one of my doubts and every ounce of my anger, hate, and jealousy. It is pure malice oozing with the puss of disdainful sores. It is all I hate and yet it is part of me. I feel it stirring taking over slowly....at first but there are times when it feels like maybe thats all that i have left. The person I am and the person I want to be could never be further from one another. Ive fallen into the lure of self hate and have become a master at it. Its like there is more than one me. The true me who hides like a coward behind all my barriers and all my walls so that he will not feel that pain. Then there's the other me the fake me the one that is made of all that I hate. People always say that they know that im a good person and that I have a good heart...but how can they know who I am when I don't even know myself. There are so many thoughts and emotions and feelings running through me I feel as though in the end life might not be worth it. Ive looked for answers.All I have found is one thing and thats pain. There is more than one kind of pain. This is the worst kind the one that lives deep inside. It writhes and shifts and makes you feel like just letting go and giving up. It is the pain that you carry with you. It becomes a part of who you are it influences your choices and clouds the mind. If there is a hell this pain would be it. It lets you think your in control and even subsides at times..but then at others it comes back like waves eroding whats left of my remaining sanity. Its like Ive already been buried in the ground covered by dirt and Im slowly wasting away while I remain nothing but a memory to those I love. These words do little to truly express how i really feel. The words don't exist and the mind is too fluid. Like a ripple each thought starts as a strong point but dies off before it can be truly expressed. Whats left is just the smallest insignificant piece. Each piece so small and yet complex if the full thought could be expressed would we even be able to truly comprehend it? I stand in front of a mirror and think to myself how did it get this far? How did I become this person. So broken, messed up and scared. I look myself and realize that maybe I don't know who I really am. Maybe its to late for me maybe the last street lamp in the darkest city had already gone out.