Street Lamp

So this is an older piece I think I wrote it around christmas or new years but lately ive gone back to it. It holds things that are still true, my weaknesses and insecurities all that stuff.

The wet pavement reflects the light of a street lamp overhead...shining like a beacon on the darkest street in the darkest city. The light seems to dim as the darkness swirls around the edges of the lights beam..The darkness a disease a cancer fluid alive and yet devoid of living all in one. The darkness is whats inside me. It is every one of my weaknesses, every on of my fears, every one of my doubts and every ounce of my anger, hate, and jealousy. It is pure malice oozing with the puss of disdainful sores. It is all I hate and yet it is part of me. I feel it stirring taking over slowly....at first but there are times when it feels like maybe thats all that i have left. The person I am and the person I want to be could never be further from one another. Ive fallen into the lure of self hate and have become a master at it. Its like there is more than one me. The true me who hides like a coward behind all my barriers and all my walls so that he will not feel that pain. Then there's the other me the fake me the one that is made of all that I hate. People always say that they know that im a good person and that I have a good heart...but how can they know who I am when I don't even know myself. There are so many thoughts and emotions and feelings running through me I feel as though in the end life might not be worth it. Ive looked for answers.All I have found is one thing and thats pain. There is more than one kind of pain. This is the worst kind the one that lives deep inside. It writhes and shifts and makes you feel like just letting go and giving up. It is the pain that you carry with you. It becomes a part of who you are it influences your choices and clouds the mind. If there is a hell this pain would be it. It lets you think your in control and even subsides at times..but then at others it comes back like waves eroding whats left of my remaining sanity. Its like Ive already been buried in the ground covered by dirt and Im slowly wasting away while I remain nothing but a memory to those I love. These words do little to truly express how i really feel. The words don't exist and the mind is too fluid. Like a ripple each thought starts as a strong point but dies off before it can be truly expressed. Whats left is just the smallest insignificant piece. Each piece so small and yet complex if the full thought could be expressed would we even be able to truly comprehend it? I stand in front of a mirror and think to myself how did it get this far? How did I become this person. So broken, messed up and scared. I look myself and realize that maybe I don't know who I really am. Maybe its to late for me maybe the last street lamp in the darkest city had already gone out.